What makes you say yes when you want to say no in the bedroom? What makes you override your boundaries again and again?
I have been practicing and teaching desire and the principle of “YES,” learning to ask for what you want in the bedroom, and learning to receive it. AND your authentic YES is only as strong as your authentic NO.
Why do women say yes when we want to say no? I wanted to write about an experience I had to let you know that you are not alone. We all override our own no sometimes, even when we know not to…
After all the work I had been doing on myself I felt so deflated to go through this experience I’m about to share. I had to guide myself back to self-kindness, reconnection and self-forgiveness.
It was summertime. A usual steamy time for me and my partner and our sex life. The time off from work, the warm temperatures, the holidays, time together. We were away camping and loving being outdoors all day. We couldn’t get our hands off each other. Maybe you know the scenario. Except that I wasn’t escalating while my partner was. And was. And was…
Being a good partner, he was consciously not going over the edge. But he reached a point where he was also past no return. Meaning instead of him attuning to me and seducing me, it seemed he couldn’t see me or feel me anymore. Only his own sensations and his ever-building road to the sky…
I got very overwhelmed with his energy. I started to go out of my body. It became my only desire to have him finish and get the intensity off and away from me. Finally I let him have his way with me. But I wasn’t there.
When I returned to my body I was filled with tears and bitterness. I had gotten myself out of the uncomfortable tension. But I felt way less connected to him now. Then being the intimacy mentor that I am, I felt shame showing up. How could I let this happen? Why did I let myself do something that resulted in this disconnect? I saw the many times over the years I have been resentful after sex.
In my regular daily life, I am in my rhythms and routines. I stay more grounded, closer to myself. Here I was in an unfamiliar environment, out in the wilderness, alone with him. That is why I backtracked.
It gave me a chance to see the pattern. The choice of going out of body. I saw that it gave me breathing room to think and find myself again. To find my voice. To find my needs. To find my true desires. To find my individuality again.
And I saw that my disconnection was fuelled by anger. Resentment fuelled by anger. That’s what dissociation ultimately gave me. Power. Anger. But it did nothing to create connection.
Expressing NO in the moment is sometimes tough because there are mixed feelings. There are needs that you don’t know how to get met. It can get muddled and confusing in the heat of the moment.
However, this experience was a turning point for me. Because it felt so awful after all the work I have done on myself. It was so contrasting. Going out of my body used to feel safe. Not anymore.
Here is some wisdom I gleaned from that day, and it has never happened since. I hope it will be of some comfort and clarity for you 🙂
1)There is a reason for GOING OUT. I was looking for safety, an escape: an alternate route.
Questions to ask: What is another way to say NO with love? What is another way to say “enough” kindly? Why am I needing safety? What emotions are present in the moment? How can I slow things down and share my feelings?
2) Sexual energy is powerful and can be absolutely disorienting. There is a tendency to merge and try to care for the other person. My partner’s sexual energy and needs are not mine.
Questions to ask: Will continuing to have sex right now lead to pleasure and connection or not? What type of connection feels real, and is in reach? (It may be non-sexual). What will get my feet back on the ground?
3) There is no shame in asking your partner to take care of their own needs. Sometimes what is needed is simply release. It is fine and wonderful to request that. It is fine and wonderful to give that to yourself too.
Questions to ask: What kind of conversation can be had around differing arousal levels? What kind of agreement can be made about desire discrepancy?
4) Changing strategies around sexual communication takes time. These patterns of over-giving, over-riding, dissociating, shutting down, did not develop overnight. Women before us have also been subject to disempowerment and non-serving gender roles in the bedroom. The change in strategy is actually occurring at the level of social programming. It is no wonder we can go unconscious sometimes, even with the best of intentions and with self-work behind us.
The good news is that when it gets bad enough, when it happens too many times, there is no other way but to change. That is what happened to me!
Take it from Anais Nin, an erotica connoisseur herself:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Be gentle with yourself and remember – Love is Your Nature!