What is missing for you in the bedroom? What is boring? What is not working? What is turning you off? What is making you want to give up?
As the two-year mark of this blog is nearing, I find myself wanting to amp up the wattage. I’m ready for some real juice. Are you? I’d like to start teaching women and couples not only to enjoy more pleasure, but how to be sexually confident and absolutely thriving in the bedroom.
Implied in all of this is to never push past your “no.” If feelings are coming up, stop and feel them. Communicate. Stay in connection. Share your vulnerability. Ask for what you need even if it’s a break or to be held or cuddled. The need to be simply touched, contacted, and cuddled goes a long way.
But if you are wishing you knew what to do next and you’re ready to lead the experience, here are 9 spices to add to your spice kit:
1) Change positions. Don’t be afraid to change it up. Your partner might be having the time of their life, but if you are bored or worse, if you are in pain or discomfort, sit up, flip over, turn around, stand; whatever it takes to get into a new posture. Changing positions literally changes your perspective and changes the quality of sensations you are experiencing.
2) More lube. I cannot emphasize this enough. There is no such thing as too much lube. More lube, more lube, more lube. I recommend natural coconut oil, warmed, because it is also very safe to ingest. But there are so many varieties of lube. Don’t let shame get in the way and tell you that you should be more lubricated on your own. Lubrication comes and goes during sex just like erections come and go. Amount of lubrication doesn’t necessarily determine how turned on or not you are.
3) Ride the peaks and valleys. Sexual energy comes in waves. Notice when you are pushing past a natural valley. The energy will come back if you stay connected and keep breathing and feeling everything. Sexual energy can go up in one quick peak, yes, but this is usually a 5 to 7 minute affair. Then it’s over. If you want to have truly fulfilling sex for longer, expect peaks and valleys and learn to ride them. You can even communicate about them with your partner. Your peaks and valleys may not totally coincide, so let your partner know where you are at and ask them the same.
4) Stop to attune and ascertain consent. It’s fun and beautiful to check in every once and a while rather than just getting lost in your own trance. Connecting at deeper and deeper levels can amp up the energy and help both people to dive more into the experience. Checking in can look like giving and receiving eye contact. Stop to attune by noticing your partner’s breathing patterns and movements. Notice changes in breath, sound and body posture. Take stock and check in to see if you are correct.
5) Change roles. Who is giving? And who is receiving? If you are giving, let go and receive for a while. Have fun switching roles whenever you feel like it. You could change roles or positions every 30 seconds if you feel like it. The idea here is to keep things fresh and keep having fun!
6) Try verbal dominating. Agree to be the Dominatrix and ask for whatever you want. If your partner likes it, you can give them rewards when you are well-pleased. Or you can give punishments if they do not please you or disobey you. All this needs to be done with mutual consent.
7) Focus on yourself for a while. Can you say “co-masturbation”? It’s fun and creative and can really get the juices flowing to self-pleasure in front of one another. It can also be very instructional and educational. You touching yourself and pleasing yourself can be a major turn on for your partner. Throw it into the mix when you feel like it, or to keep yourself more turned on.
8) Fantasy talk. This one requires care and consent. Agree in advance that you will be adding fantasy talk to the mix. Verbalize your own fantasy or your partner’s fantasy out loud and watch what happens. Make sure to debrief afterward in case there are any tender feelings or misunderstandings. It is sometimes important to reassure or clarify the difference between fantasy and what you would or wouldn’t want to do in real life.
9) Animal play. Sex brings out the animal in us. It touches a very primal part of us and it’s fun and freeing to let your inner animal fully out. Play with face expressions, teeth bearing, grunts, and growls. You can bring this into an animal wrestle in bed. Where there is consent this may include bites, pinches, grabbing, clawing, scratching or other forms of animalistic play. This is also an important one to play at and practice outside the bedroom, or to discuss in advance.
With any form of high sensation play, playing your edges, or power dominance, please make sure to have safe words.
You can use the stoplight colours – red for stop, yellow for back off and green for go. Or any other words, as long as it is clear.
You can alternate between any of these spicy suggestions and change it up as fast or slowly as you like. I find that many people get stuck in patterns, especially the pattern of trying to please your partner. Try playing full out the way YOU want to. Just don’t forget to attune to and communicate fully with your partner.
I’d love to hear how it goes!
Remember, Love is your Nature!