It is so important to tell your lover how you like to be loved. Both loved, and seduced.
I know it flies in the face of what we would all like to believe. Connection is supposed to be spontaneous, natural, romantic and passionate, like in the movies. If our partner really loved us, they would know what to do!
I have been with my husband for over 20 years and we are just starting to figure some things out about each other. It’s because we have started talking about everything. And I mean everything.
I arose this morning so happy that I could truly give my husband some much needed support last night. We are facing some major decisions right now and I have never seen him quake in his shoes so much. But because we are communicating so well, he is staying afloat and expressing his emotions. And because I know how to love him, because he has told me the specifics now, even when I am very triggered myself, I have tools.
Last night, I brought him a book, and a blanket, and put on some soothing music. It was Michael Hoppe – The Yearning – Romances for Solo Flute. I always put on this CD for myself when I want to feel wrapped and warm, safe and tucked away. It is a beautiful album. I told him a positive story about the future and invited him to close his eyes and imagine.
He has explained to me that he needs to feel taken care of like when he is sick, when he is experiencing fear and anxiety.
In all the 20 years, I didn’t even know this simplest thing. I thought he needed space and distance. He needed my mothering. It doesn’t mean he is not still my passionate hot lover, my mystery man, my rock. It just means I know a way he needs to be loved sometimes.
For so many years, I grieved the fact that he couldn’t be more psychic with me too. I thought after at least one decade he should be able to pick up my cues. But here I am another decade in and realizing that being loved is such an individual thing. It is so, so individual. And so specific. But inside we all know what we need and want.
What helps you feel loved? What are the details? What really turns you on? Sometimes you don’t want to say because you are afraid the details are too weird, or too kinky or too childish. But if you have a partner who really loves you, they just want you to be happy.
I feel so grateful to be able to be there more for mine. I used to feel like the bottom was falling out from under me when he shook in his shoes. Now I know he just needs a book and a blanket sometimes. Don’t we all?