Let’s face it – we are living in a society where sex is covert, underground, and inappropriate to speak about. None of us had excellent role models or teachers of sexuality. I’m sure you have your own stories of lack of education, mixed messages, and overall taboo on the subject. It’s no wonder you are stuck when it comes to sex.
One of the problems this creates is that we are not slowing down to feel all that is there to feel in the experience. And the so-called “normal” forms of sexual expression are within a very narrow bandwidth. These are generally modelled after movies, TV, and pornography. A lot of too fast, too intense, too much too soon, and more serving of male sexuality than female pleasure.
From working with numerous male clients now, I want to add as a side note that I have seen again and again how women’s sexual needs widen the spectrum of satisfaction and depth for men. Men can have much more delicious orgasms, feel orgasm all throughout their body, and have multiple orgasms if they slow down and feel more. And men need emotional connection too. They need to slow down and feel just as much as women.
The trouble is, once you start slowing down, you definitely WILL feel more. You may feel perhaps anger. Or the grief of connections that were not fulfilling in the past. You may feel the challenge to connect and feel safe. You may feel fear. Fear of intimacy. Or fear of exposure. Or fear of merging with another…
You may also feel unprecedented states of joy and relief. You may feel old childhood wounds being opened. You may feel negative self beliefs coming up, low self worth, low body image, lack of trust, etc. You may feel embarrassed about how your body is sounding and moving. You may feel scared of the energy moving through you.
WOW! These are all examples of things I have felt in my journey of healing sexuality.
But probably the toughest emotion to feel and the one underlying the others is shame. The trouble with shame is that it blocks embodiment, and thus it blocks connection.
The heart of the reason that a lot of sex is too fast, too intense, too much too soon, is not only about what we know and are used to seeing but aoubt avoiding feeling shame. We are ashamed of the real raw constituents of erotic energy. Because it is simply not familiar to us.
So I want to normalize here that it’s okay to sob during sex, to scream, to laugh, to dance, to want to hit or thrash, to become animalistic, to become totally still and deeply inward, to want to take breaks, to want to slow down. It’s all okay!
Shame is a doorway to all the other emotions. When everything can be felt, including shame itself, the complexity, richness and depth of sex comes alive. Then it becomes a healing ritual, a transformative act, a life-changing and deeply connecting system of renewal and rejuvenation, an opportunity for learning and letting go.
So how to feel shame? The best way to feel shame is to actually name it. What are you ashamed of? This could be the single most powerful conversation you ever have with your partner. Everyone carries shame around sex. What are you ashamed of? What is your partner ashamed of? Go there!
And try slowing down during sex in general. Knowing you are opening a door, knowing that you will feel more. Slow down and share feelings. Be there for each other. Slow down and feel shame. Make it okay. It sounds awful but it is awfully beautiful! Let’s be here in this world for each other.
Love is your nature,
– Zoey Wren