Does this sound familiar? Sex builds toward a climax and then crashes over, like a wave. It is a linear ride with a destination or peak, and then a fall downward. But what about when one person needs to slow down, the other needs to speed up, someone needs a break, the doorbell rings, someone gets upset, someone has an orgasm before the other, etc… This is real life!
My husband and I have been watching the fictionalized TV show about the work of Masters and Johnson called Masters of Sex. It is amazing what these researchers did in documenting human sexual response and sexual dysfunction. They had an 80% success rate at helping couples through a two-week talk therapy program with a male-female therapist team. But their work still leaves out a lot in terms of how to have fulfilling and deeply connected sex.
Research aside, what a lot of pressure it is to try to build together at the same rate and then peak at the same moment. Do you feel that performance anxiety? What do you do if this doesn’t happen? Does shame show up? Even blame. A woman can feel lost and upset when she doesn’t lubricate or isn’t ready for penetration fast enough. A man can feel like a failure or like he is “less of a man” if he can’t keep it up or if he goes over too quickly.
The truth is, we have to look at not just the mechanics but the energy behind sex. And the energy has to do with human connection, emotional connection. Wetness and hardness actually vary all throughout sex. They go up and down. So does sexual energy.
We are humans and humans need emotional connection. Emotions come in peaks and valleys. Dips in sexual energy are actually invitations for more connection and attunement.
Imagine this: you hit a dip in energy, just when things were going great now you feel disconnected and maybe even embarrassed. What do you really want in that moment? How about a cuddle, some eye gazing, to be fed some strawberries, or offered a massage? Sexual energy will return if you accept that it comes and goes.
A great response to a dip in energy is to backtrack in the seduction process. Why not? Go back to flirting, teasing and other methods of seduction. Keep in mind that women easily need up to 40 minutes of periphery touch before they are ready for penetration. Also clitoral and vulva touch that matches their personal style and preferences is super important.
When even one partner taps back into the energy, the wave begins to rise again, so touching or seducing either partner can get you back in the game.
Sexual energy comes in waves. Just like the seasons. Just like the water cycle. Just like the tides in the ocean. Orgasm is simply a quickened or intensified version of these waves. Waves start right from the beginning. Ups and downs. Ins and outs. Back and forth.
Please show your partner how you like to be touched. Figure out how you like to be touched. Find out how they like to be touched. And don’t freeze in the dips when they show up. All surfers know that half the time you fall off the waves. Get up and catch the next one!
Love is your nature,