If you watch animals in nature there is a dance that occurs. Members of a group weave in and out of connection. Both bonding and individuation counterbalance. Bonding occurs as a source of reassurance, play and survival. And individuals choose when to connect and with whom.
In a couple, the dance of bonding is more of a complex negotiation. When there are mainly two, bonding styles may be different. The two must learn and carefully communicate preferences. They must learn each other’s signals and often stretch themselves to love and reassure a partner in ways that help their partner feel connected. But the question is – how do we do this if we don’t even value bonding?
We are in a society where stoicism, independence and self-soothing are valued. Because of this I see my clients struggling not just with getting their bonding needs met, but struggling with having bonding needs in the first place!
Think about this. When an animal acts depressed or lonely, what do you think to yourself? How do you feel when your dog gets clingy and cannot ever be without you? Or when your dog humps everything in sight, including your mother in law to be, that you are just meeting for the first time? Animals don’t deny their innate bonding needs.
But then think about this: why is okay for you to be chronically depressed? Lonely? Unfulfilled? Overworking? Doing everything yourself? It’s not!
Your need for bonding brings you back to your animal self. This brings you back to your emotions and your body. Your emotions are the glue of relationships. And connecting with others is what we all came here for.
Let’s embrace the good part of being animals, while still being human!
If you would like to understand how bonding works for you and how it coexists and interweaves with the bonding needs of your partner, please click here for a complimentary 30 minute Love Empowerment Session.
Love is your nature,
– Zoey Wren