Learning to LOVE from a CAT!

I was at a tantra workshop 2 years ago where the workshop presenter shared that he had learned everything he needed to know about TOUCH from his cat!

It was not that the cat taught him specific touch techniques, exactly.  But the cat had many different ways of responding to his touch, which ultimately taught him a very important lovers’ tool:  ATTUNEMENT.

Everyone knows that when a cat’s tail goes up, the cat is happy! (Not so dissimilar to the human male).  When a cat’s tail goes between its legs, it is upset.  When a cat lifts its head, it wants a pet.  These are the basics…

When it comes to humans, however,  it gets more complicated.

Emily Nagoski talks in her book “Come As You Are” about a principle based on research called non-concordance.  It means that your genitals are not always lined up with your heart and your mind.  An erection or vaginal wetness does not necessarily mean a person wants to have sex.  In the words of Emily:

” A thing can be sexually RELEVANT without being sexually APPEALING.”

What does this mean about being a lover of another?  It means we need to get better at reading ALL the non-verbal cues, as well as TALKING more about sex!

Attunement is a skill learned from your parents if you are lucky.  An attuned parent was one who was attentive to you in the non-verbal stages.  They were able to read and act on all your non-verbal cues.  As children and adults we all crave attunement  from one another.  It is that feeling of being totally met, seen and understood.

Back to the cat:
If you attune well to a cat, you will learn what kind of touch it likes best, where it likes to be touched, and when to stop and start touching it.  With humans, you can look out for these cues:


1)  Are they breathing deeply?  Are they relaxed?  Or are they holding their breath or breathing shallowly?

2) Are they moving freely, even offering certain areas of the body or body parts for touch?  Or are they more still and frozen-seeming?

3) Are they making sounds like “oo” or “ah” or “yes”?  Or are they silent and quiet?

4) Do they make eye contact?  Do they smile?  Or are they avoiding eye contact, closing their eyes, and frowning the whole time?

5) Do they gesture toward you?  Do they grab your hand or grab another part of your body?  Do they paw at you or squeeze you?  Or are their hands still and lifeless?

*see note below

These are all non-verbal cues that tell you if you are attuning well or not to your partner.  If you attune well, you will have a sounding, moving breathing, gesturing, smiling, laughing, crying, sighing, sobbing, moaning, groaning and orgasming partner on your hands.  Just like a purring cat!

Have fun attuning to your partner!  

Remember, Love is your Nature!

* it should be mentioned that some people are actually very turned on when they are very still and quiet.  Use words to check this with a partner. *

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