I was having a medical exam last week, a pelvic exam actually. If you’re a woman, you’ve probably had that experience where something’s being inserted inside and you notice your brain realizing that it’s not sex.
It makes it so obvious how much our brains are involved in whether or not we are turned on. This inspired me to create this blog. To talk about how we can harness this ability. In other words, if we can turn it off so easily, how can we turn it on?
First of all, I want to normalize that being turned off is actually part of our wiring for survival. For one thing, think about the birth canal in relation to birthing a baby. The birth canal was made to bring a child into the world. If we had too much sensation there then we’d probably never be able to birth children. It would be so painful.
Truthfully, our inside landscape is not necessarily as sensitive as our external landscape, especially before we are fully turned on. The clitoris is definitely the winner when it comes to sensitivity. She has 8000 nerve endings. More than double the 3000 of the male genitalia! The clitoral network runs up to our breasts as well, another huge part of feeling sensual, or feeling “in the mood” for women.
So the amount of sensitivity/ lack of sensitivity in the birth canal is a biological imperative and not our true sexual organ as women. However, there is a second major reason for why I was not turned on at my medical exam.
Here it is: A medical exam is not a “sexually relevant” situation for the brain or for the heart! Let me explain this a bit more…
It harkens back to our roots as hunter-gatherers. Imagine that we are wandering around with basic survival as our day-to-day focus. What is the man’s role in this society? The man’s role is to protect and to hunt, to bring in food and to keep other tribes from coming in, to protect the land and the people.
What is the woman’s role? The woman’s role is to foster connections of safety and communication within the tribe. And a big part of this when it comes to sex is some wired-in questions in the female brain. Example: is this potential mate somebody who I can trust? Is he somebody that would be safe for the children, someone that would help take care of the family?
Our female brains actually to this day scan for emotional connection and emotional capacity in a mate. It’s a checks and balance system. So it’s natural that we need to feel emotionally safe and connected for something to feel sexually relevant.
It’s part of why we’re so much more heart-oriented rather than just straight to the genitals. And it’s part of how we can turn on and off at choice.
In my next blog I will talk about the natural time that it takes for a woman to turn on. It takes a full minimum of 20 minutes in general for a woman to become fully physiologically and emotionally turned on. I will also talk about what actually happens (or should happen) in those 20 minutes for women, the 20 minutes of warm-up.
If you want to learn your unique markers of turn on as a woman, check out my Intimacy Blueprint Quiz here.